


Anger Management

by sweetlikepi



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek (Comics), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Animated Series, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bonding, Delinquent Jim, Flirting, Fluff, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Jim being bad, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Original Character(s), Mutual Pining, Pining, Rehabilitation, Slow Build, Spock being bad, Spork, gay stuff eventually, spirk, we will get there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-04 17:48:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14598399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetlikepi/pseuds/sweetlikepi
Summary: Anger would usually be described as red, as violent, aggressive. But for Jim, his anger manifested in dried out crops, rotting flesh, and being forced to chose who got to eat and who didn’t.  It was nightmares in his dreams and nightmares in his wake, waking up to fists trying to stop the screaming that Jim didn’t know was leaving his body.Vulcan did not seem like the place for emotional support, a  planet filled with vulcanoids that acted emotionless, Jim could only see this ending with Vulcan jail. If Vulcan jail existed, which to fifteen-year-old Jim, he figured if they didn’t, they’d make one for him.(or when Vulcan is a place of rehabilitation for James T. Kirk at 15 and the story takes off)





	1. A New Family

Chapter 1

Anger would usually be described as red, as violent, aggressive. But for Jim, his anger manifested in dried out crops, rotting flesh, and being forced to chose who got to eat and who didn’t. It was nightmares in his dreams and nightmares in his wake, waking up to fists trying to stop the screaming that Jim didn’t know was leaving his body. It turned into stealing and fights and underage public drunkenness in a small town that would be missed in a blink of an eye. He never thought that his mother would find out, he thought he’d either fall into a ditch and die or die from his mother’s new husband’s fists. 

He sat in a jail cell, with his mother staring at him disappointed between the bars. She threw him into therapy immediately upon the deputies suggestion, knowing Jim’s Step-Father and that man’s temper. The therapist spent barely an hour with him before she suggested a program that would ship him off planet. Jim had hoped after the last “program” the court had sent him to that had tried to “fix” him but instead ended up giving him PTSD Jim’s mother wouldn’t dare attempt something like that now. However, it seemed that Winona thought because Jim would be shipped to Vulcan to stay with the Vulcan Ambassador of Earth himself, no actual harm could be done to Jim and he might actually be able to gain control of himself. 

Jim scoffed at the idea, of course, he didn’t feel like control was what he needed. He knew what he needed and it wasn’t something his mother would ever give him or Sam. It was something Frank was incapable of, and it was something Jim had for a short amount of time until the genocide he barely lived through ripped it away from him. Vulcan did not seem like the place for emotional support, it was a planet filled with vulcanoids that acted emotionless, lacked expression, affection, and demanded logic from everyone in every situation. Jim could only see this ending with Vulcan jail. If Vulcan jail existed, and to fifteen-year-old Jim he figured if they didn’t already have a detention center already, they’d make one especially for him. 

Before he could express protest that would make sense to his mother, or offer a better solution to his issues he was on a shuttle with two suitcases, the same two he was forced to pack when he was sent to Tarsus IV for rehabilitation. His bags were stored under the shuttle and he pressed himself against the wall of the hull, staring out the window to calm his panicked nerves. 

 

In a few hours, he arrived in San Francisco. He was ushered off and his bags were placed in his hands. Jim looked around to try and find who was picking him up when his eyes landed on a stiff young Vulcan and a soft human woman. He stood there watching them nervously afraid to move forward, and it was a long moment before the woman smiled and began moving towards him, the young Vulcan trailing behind her.

“James Kirk?” She called out. Jim ducked his head and looked at the ground as he began walking, trying to keep calm, be presentable because maybe this might actually work out. If this woman was going to be around the entire time, if she was going to be his actual guardian, maybe his “new life” wouldn’t be a disaster.   
They finally made it to each other stopping when he was a foot away from the woman, the Vulcan standing a half foot behind her and to her left. “Yeah… I’m Jim Kirk,” He said with a nervous smile looking at her, realizing they were the same height while the Vulcan was much taller. 

“I’m a hugger,” She declared suddenly as she pulled Jim into a hug, he released a nervous breath as he leaned into her surprising himself with how well he accepted the affection. “I’m Amanda, I’m glad you’re going to be joining our family. This is my son Spock, and my husband is Ambassador Sarek, he had a few meetings which is why he couldn’t come to greet you,” She expressed giving him a small happy smile as she pulled away from him. 

All Jim could do was nod and mumble a ‘nice to meet you’, he felt overly anxious and could tell the young Vulcan was trying to figure him out from far away. He wasn’t sure how much of his background they knew about considering his mother didn’t even know the majority of the suffering Jim had gone through that led him to this point. 

“Spock, take his bags, he’s probably exhausted, coming all the way from Iowa,” She stated, and Jim tried to stop it from happening which caused their hands to brush. They both hissed from an electrical shock which caused Jim’s bags to drop on the ground. Jim felt himself shaking more as he tried to grab the bags but Spock was faster than Jim and was already walking back towards the taxi. 

Amanda sighed and gently took Jim’s arm and began walking with him. “He is always like that. His father is not much better. I’ll be glad to have another human in the house. I’ll discuss how this is going to work with you further. We’ll have a private lunch before we have a dinner as a whole family,” She tried to explain as she led him to the taxi. 

Jim was squished between the young Vulcan and Amanda, he noticed the former was trying to avoid touching him and Jim chewed on the inside of his cheek feeling the other’s discomfort. Amanda, on the other hand, was holding onto Jim’s hand as a way to keep him calm, he was wondering if she had been this starved for affection, or if she knew his history and was trying to replace what his mother couldn’t/refused to give him. In reality, Jim was over thinking, of course, Amanda was trying to rid Jim of his nerves. She could feel and see him shaking, looking around nervously like a stray animal trying to get used to a new home. 

 

After thirty long minutes, they arrived at the Vulcan Embassy. A tall beige cylindrical building that came to a dome top, there were slanted windows that moved at a diagonal with the stairs that climbed the building. It was surrounded with a variety of foliage that was native to California as well as Vulcan. There were a few Vulcans working on the upkeep outside as they pulled up, there was also a lithe Vulcan waiting outside and opened the taxi door for them. Jim breathed out happily when he could get out of the car and get some space from the strangers. 

“Welcome back family of Sarek,” The young tall Vulcan greeted, “Welcome James Kirk. We are glad you will be joining Ambassador Sarek’s family on Vulcan.” 

“Sel, thank you for the warm greeting,” Amanda said walking forward and next to him as they walked inside. Spock was still holding Jim’s bags and they walked side by side behind the pair. 

“Sarek will meet you for dinner, he has many meetings at Starfleet Headquarters and told me to send his regrets in not being able to meet your new family member,” Sel told Amanda as he walked with her to the elevator. “You are all, however, still scheduled to depart tomorrow,” he added on before leaving to go to the offices where the Vulcan government worked when visiting. 

Amanda watched him leave before turning to Spock and Jim with a small and gentle smile, “Glad you two are getting along. Jim, we have some clothes for you, if they don’t fit, I’m sure I can find something nice for you to wear to dinner tonight. We’ll be introducing you to Vulcan culture tonight at dinner, I think it’ll be easiest that way,” She said as they entered the lift. 

Jim just nodded glancing up at her with a nervous smile before looking at the Vulcan holding his bags who didn’t bother looking at him and just stared ahead like he wasn’t apart of the conversation. Jim sighed and looked back to Amanda opening his mouth slightly before closing it. 

“Is he always this quiet?” Jim asked her glancing at Spock, seeing his ear twitch slightly at the mention of his name.

“I am usually, yes. You can always address me directly, James,” Spock replied to him without giving him a glance. Jim snorted and Amanda just smiled and looked ahead herself. 

“Am I going to end up like him?” Jim asked and watched as Spock’s ears twitched and Amanda laughed softly. 

“That’s the goal of you being here isn’t it Jim?” She teased and gently touched his shoulder. 

Jim snorted and glanced at Spock, “Does he have ‘anger issues’ too then?” Jim asked, gesticulating air quotes with his hands. 

Amanda couldn’t help the small laugh that bubbled between her lips, “It’ll be good for you two to be together. You will definitely help each other,” She said with a knowing smile. She stepped off of the lift and led them down the hall to their small apartment that they had assigned for when Sarek visited every few months. It was filled with enough trinkets for the small apartment to look lived in. “Now Jim, this is very small compared to our actual home on Vulcan, but feel free to make yourself comfortable for tonight,” She said with a small smile. 

“You will be sharing my room tonight James, I will show you to it,” Spock stated as he continued to walk through the apartment. Jim followed quickly, looking after Amanda who went to another hallway to where he assumed her bedroom with her husband was. As they walked the hall towards Spock’s room, Jim took note of the small indents in the wall with a small shelf for Vulcan artifacts to rest in them. Even Spock’s room had old books and paintings lining the walls giving the feel that an adult lived in the room, not a teen. He took a seat on the bed and glanced at Spock before looking away again. 

“So… Have you had someone do this before?” Jim asked softly.

“We had a female human live with us for many many years, she recently left because she was joining Starfleet. She had a troubled past and no family. For all intents and purposes she grew up on Vulcan and was the first human to attend the Vulcan Science Academy before moving herself to San Francisco to join Starfleet,” Spock told Jim honestly. 

“Have they told you anything about me?” Jim asked, he didn’t look to Spock for the answer, he shifted himself to look through the clothes that Amanda had left for him and checked them to see if they were his size. They were the “latest fashion” for Vulcans, which wasn’t ugly, but definitely not his style. 

“They have not said anything specific. They have said you have gone through severe trauma and were on the brink of self-destruction before your mother finally decided to intervene for the second time apparently,” Spock responded without inflection until the end where it seemed his voice was strained out of what was clearly frustration. But Jim didn’t know what that frustration was directed towards, the information, Jim, or his mom’s lack of intervention.

“So they told you a lot,” Jim responded, it was all he could say, feeling minor relief that Spock knew some of the situation, maybe not the grittiest of details, but enough that he didn’t need to worry about judgement because they already made their judgements and had agreed to accept him into their family. 

“Enough for me to understand your situation, quite possibly where your mind is at. And enough for me to find your mother guilty of mistreating you,” Spock commented as he searched through his own closet. 

“You might be the only one to realize my mom is flawed,” Jim snorted and stood up from the bed grabbing the clothes, “I’m just going to shower and change for dinner. The… The shower is through there right?” Jim asked nodding his head towards the door. 

“Yes, it is a sonic shower, but everything you need will be there,” Spock replied planning on taking the opportunity to change while Jim was in the shower. 

Spock was glad for the moments alone to calm himself down, speaking about the lack of parenting that had gone on in Jim’s life that led the human to the point of either being in a detention center or one last ditch effort of rehabilitation, had him shaking in anger. He focused on what he would wear for dinner, dressing in a black tunic with blue embroidery on the cuffs of the sleeves, the neck and the base of the tunic. He then pulled a vest type piece over, linking it up so that he had a large collar that folded downward to show his neck but still angled to accentuate his ears. Spock stood himself in front of the mirror to make sure his clothes were looking accordingly, his hair styled appropriately and the black pants he wore before were still the appropriate color black. 

 

The young Vulcan placed his hands into his pockets before he left the room quietly, leaving Jim to get ready for their dinner. Spock stood in the living room, looking out the large window down at San Francisco. He had agreed to this new person after the last person left because of the many circumstances of Jim’s life that had been presented to him. The half-Vulcan had not been entirely truthful with Jim, after the discussion with his parents, he had access to records that were sealed to fully know who would be entering their home. He also had memories of Jim that he wouldn’t let even his own parents know of, and he would probably never tell James for fear of making him feel humiliated. 

Spock had been on one of the cargo ships that was supposed to be providing relief supplies to the Tarsus IV colony that had the fungal infestation. Sarek was bringing his family to Earth for the summer for many reasons: he had many duties to attend to as Ambassador to Earth, they were bringing their current ward back to Earth since she would no longer be under their care due to her age, and Amanda thought it fit that Spock learn about the other half of his race. Through holovids and pictures, Spock had seen the disaster that befell the planet, the bodies, the dread on the faces of the survivors and the smell of those wounded, dying, or already dead. Spock had not been allowed to go on planet, but the images were enough for him to understand what these colonists were suffering through until the ships arrival and hope he never had to experience disaster and pain like this. 

Spock had also watched as the orphaned children and young teens were brought on board, their families had either been killed by the fungus or by Kodos’ men. His father, along with the captain took nine specific people out of the four thousand that had survived into a separate area where relief was being given. Spock had placed himself far away enough from the room for his Mother to not reprimand him for eavesdropping, but close enough that he could hear and see what was being discussed without his father knowing he was there. Spock’s eyes pulled into focus on the reflections in the window as his mother placed a small hand on his shoulder, pulling him out of his memories. Jim’s face was deeply embedded in his memories as he had been the most vocal, violent, and destroyed survivor of the nine that had seen Kodos personally. He had looked and sounded like a feral animal, covered in blood, dirt, and bruises, screaming at them as he cried and fought. To see him now was a surprise, he was sure the other would have been locked away in one institution or another for his display of behavior and the trauma, but instead, he was with their family, and he did not seem to be the same feral animal he had watched before. 

“I hope you two will get along… You’ll have to start helping him with your religious practices,” Amanda said softly smiling at her son, fixing his clothes a bit, smoothing them down, “I think he’ll benefit from meditation and learning Suus Mahna. But you will have to be the one to teach him those.”

“It is not a religion Mother, you know it is a lifestyle best suited for Vulcans,” Spock chastised.

“Spock,” She replied with a teasing smile.

Spock deflated before responding: “I agree, he will need to learn how to defend himself against others emotionally and physically in a way that is safe,” Spock admitted in a calm and quiet manner, not wanting Jim to overhear their conversation. “Will he be entering school immediately?”

“He’ll be having private home lessons with me and Sarek until your father determines Jim is ready for the type of learning environment the academy provides. He may just have private tutoring there half the time instead of sitting in those funny inverted domes,” Amanda teased Spock some more as she began tugging at his clothes a bit more until he took her hands and gently set them to her sides. It was clear everyone in this scenario was anxious about the outcome. 

Spock tilted his head towards James as he stepped into the room quietly. He wore a beige tunic that was more traditional to the sorts that humans wore, exposing some of his chest but extending loosely down to mid-thigh, small slits up the sides to his waist. It was embroidered with gold along all the edges in traditional Vulcan fashion, a textile pattern unique to Vulcan. Jim also wore linen beige pants that stopped right at his ankles, almost tapered to fit his legs but still loose enough to give his body shape some secrecy. Jim’s breath was slow and calm as he looked at them, hair combed back and hands relaxed in pockets.

“Are all Vulcan clothes this comfortable?” Jim asked with a small nervous smile. 

“Typically for men, yes… There are usually a few more pieces, like what Spock is wearing, but since we’re on Earth, I figured I’d let you have a little more leeway since you’ll have culture shock soon anyway,” Amanda replied and moved over to Jim smoothing out his clothes for him, “They do flatter you.”

Jim smiled and felt himself fill up with a little air at the praise from Amanda and the approving gaze from Spock, who looked away when he was caught. While he had been in Spock’s room changing he had been on the PADD Spock had left out and began researching this family as much as he could in the time it took him to dress and calm his nerves. Finding out Spock was only a year older than him and was, in fact, Amanda’s biological child. He found out a lot more as well just about Vulcans in sealed records, and couldn’t wait to indulge himself in trying to get Spock to tell him the information he had found out, or find out if Spock would even indulge him. 

 

It was time to make their way to the lift, Amanda dressed in a fitting grey knit, asymmetrical, off the shoulder dress with black stockings and small black slippers. Spock and Jim each had their own pair of matching slippers and Jim was pleased with Vulcan fashion so far (despite his first impressions being negative). The best way to describe it was “logical”. It was comfortable, minorly form fitting so that it wouldn’t sag and get in the way, but not constricting enough to prevent movement. It was fit for any occasion, but of course, there were different materials for different occasions. Jim in linen was specific for his species, but Spock was in silk because Vulcans had serious texture issues, which Jim had noticed, and silk seemed to be the best option for them when it came to dressier occasions. Amanda’s attire was a whole different ball game to Jim, it was clear she was trying to make an impression on her husband, and he wondered how often she attempted this with her Vulcan husband. 

 

Off the lift and into the lobby they met with Ambassador Sarek who greeted his family traditionally and for what Jim felt very distant despite the warm welcome Amanda, and eventually, Spock gave him. Sarek motioned for his family to go ahead of him and Jim to the restaurant that had its doors open releasing the sounds of quiet and controlled murmurs and plates being eaten off of. Jim was left in the lobby with Sarek, which intimidated him to no end since it felt like they knew each other, but he couldn’t quite place the familiarity. 

“James, I am glad you are still here. The last time we met was under worse circumstances,” Sarek started, reminiscing about his meeting with Jim who had seemed so feral to him then. This memory was lost to Jim who had been deep in survival mode at the time and didn’t come too until they were halfway back to Earth. “This is a better alternative to you being sent to a correctional work facility at another colony,” Sarek continued. 

Jim nodded at this, minor confusion still present on his face, but he was trying to let it pass so he could formulate a reply instead of letting his mouth stay dry. He coughed softly to clear his throat and reached up to rub it. “Thank you for… Accepting me into your home Ambassador,” Jim responded trying to stay on his best behavior even though he was beginning to feel his anxiety and withdrawal pulsing through his body with great waves of heavy heartbeats and heat flashes. 

“It is all that I can do for the suffering the universe has put you through Mr. Kirk. It is my hope that my home can rehabilitate you through family, education, and discipline,” Sarek nodded, accepting the thanks and providing his own source of obligation to the situation. He felt responsible for the delay in the ship’s cargo delivery to Tarsus IV. If the ship hadn’t had to take a month detour to Vulcan for him and his family, the tragedy may have been stopped before it could begin with genocide. That, however, was the past, and for Sarek, he was trying to clean his conscious by giving Jim the home he needed, not one filled with an abusive stepfather and an absent mother. 

Jim was at a loss for words at this point in their introduction to each other, or Jim’s introduction to Sarek and Sarek’s greeting of his new ward. He dropped his head to look at their shoes, he tried to stop himself from laughing when he saw that the Vulcan was wearing human loafers, wondering if someone (Amanda) had given them to Sarek as a gift at some point to get him to try his hand at human fashion. Jim couldn’t stop picturing this intimidating Vulcan in human shirts and jeans, walking around with his pointed ears. It took all the self-control Jim had to stop his mind from running with it and imagining the other with a human hairstyle, that just seemed far-fetched and ridiculous, but entirely possible given that Amanda seemed to have that sort of humor about her. 

Eventually, Sarek acknowledged that Jim had nothing else to say and led them into the restaurant. It was a traditional Vulcan upscale eatery, they had the enclosed “room” in the back where wooden dividers separated each table and a heavy curtain hung at the opening of where people would sit. Jim admired the textile that hung, embroidered with what seemed to be a religious scene of the Garden of Eden, a story by an ancient religious human text, but in the place of humans were Vulcans. The wooden dividers also contained different religious scenes of war and peace, it was clear the restaurant was its own story in of itself. He would ask more on the topic later, food was already at the table and he felt starved. 

Spock could not help but admire the Human’s curiosity for the embroidery of Sha Ka Ree, a pre-Surak religious depiction of how all life came to be. And the Irony of the God of War, Death, and Peace surrounding them on the wooden dividers did not escape Spock, he merely chose to ignore it in favor for the meal that was in front of them and that Jim was already seeming to horde. It made him wonder how often he was able to eat before he would have joined their family, if he ate as often as he might have before the famine on Tarsus IV, or even before he was on parole and sent to that planet. 

 

It had been a delicious meal, one for Jim’s memories even though he knew his stomach would be severely upset with him, he would have to get used to it eventually. Amanda had assured him after their meal that she would slowly ease Jim into the everyday diet they had at home instead of throwing him straight into it like they had. It would be easier on his body and his mind as well as he would face severe culture shock on top of physical shock from a dietary change and mental shift from delinquency to scholarly behavior. 

Spock led Jim back to their shared room for the night, they dressed down and slipped into the bed. Jim laid on his side, squeezing his eyes shut to calm his nerves, and Spock laid on the other side of the bed, right on the edge to prevent himself from touching James at any point in the night. They both felt their nerves on fire, but it soon burned out with the excitement and exhaustion of the day hitting them and causing sleep to take them.

 

It wasn’t until the night that Spock saw Jim’s true mental weakness. Spock had fallen asleep immediate but it took hours for Jim to finally fall asleep, but when he did it was chaos. Spock woke to Jim tossing and turning violently, whimpering and whining before he started shouting and screaming until he fell out of bed and went silent with a soft groan. 

Spock moved quickly to check on Jim to make sure he was okay, but when he moved to touch him Jim jumped up and managed to tackle Spock down to the ground, hitting his chest over and over again weakly as he shouted pleas for the pain to end. Spock was in pure shock at this, he certainly wasn’t getting hurt, thanks to being superior in strength, however, it did take minutes for him to recover before he managed to grip Jim’s arms and press him against the wall as they sat on the floor. He tried to ignore the waves of heavy negative emotions that rushed into him through their touch and focused on trying to coax Jim out of his waking nightmare through words, and telepathic waves of calmness. 

Eventually, Jim came to, his eyes blinking and re-opening but tired and hallow, like he had just witnessed abuse all over again. “Spock?” His weak small voice whispered looking up at the other in confusion, “I’m sorry,” Jim breathed tiredly when he realized why they were huddled together on the floor. The sheets had slipped off the bed and a couple of nicknacks and books had been knocked off the side table, he felt his wrists were in pain as well as his side, his breathing getting shallower. 

“Do not apologize. This is to be expected. I am just glad you have woken up, you seemed to have injured yourself,” Spock replied quietly holding his arms gently now. 

“This will require a doctor… I am sure a medical officer will look you over when we are aboard the ship tomorrow. I can bandage them until then if you will allow me?”   
Jim looked at his wrists, they were bloodied and his wrists looked bruised from getting twisted at a wrong angle, which he was sure had happened, his bodied usually moved on its own in the night anyway. “Did I hurt you at all?”

“I am much stronger than you, you cannot damage me in any way,” Spock responded before he slowly stood and moved to get his First Aid kit quietly, hoping his parents would not come to interfere. He was sure they would cause Jim’s already present anxiety to skyrocket, and cause a bigger scene then had already occurred unbeknownst to Jim. He turned on the side table light and sat back in front of Jim. The human held his right hand out and then his left, Spock wrapping them precisely so that he would have no function of his tendons or joints so that he wouldn’t cause more damage during the rest of his sleep cycle. Jim felt like they were handcuffs, but he understood the thought behind the wrappings and made no comment or movement to tear them off. 

“Are you ready to sleep Jim?” Spock asked after a few moments of them sitting and Jim listening to Spock’s calming breath. 

“I’m not sure…” Jim responded.

“I can assure you, another episode will not occur tonight. I have read deeply into human sleeping disorders, once woken from an episode like this, it won’t happen a second time in the night,” Spock recited, but left out the fact that this was only in the majority of cases, and of course humans could make science more convoluted than it should be. 

Jim nodded at Spock's words and took in a deep breath, resting his hands on Spock’s shoulders as the Vulcan stood up with Jim, holding onto his elbows to stabilize him. He carefully helped Jim into the bed, being cautious of his ribs before going to his own side and slipping under the sheets. Spock laid back in the position he had been in before while Jim laid on his back, sitting up slightly to make breathing easier. Soon enough they were both back to sleep, forgetful of the episode that had just occurred until the morning.


	2. Chapter 2: The market

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shorter than the first chapter, I liked where I had ended it. I thought if I continued it'd become a bit overwhelming to read at that point. (This is edited to the best of my ability)

Chapter 2

TWO YEARS LATER: VULCAN

“Jim, your shaking is distracting,” Spock murmured softly. His posture was tight as he sat, hands folded in his lap, legs crossed in a relaxed fold. His brown eyes closed and sharp eyebrows relaxed. It took an immense amount of effort and control to not smile as he heard Jim release a comical and very sincere groan of frustration and boredom. 

“This is boring and difficult,” Jim whined and just ended up laying down with a huff, his head touching Spock’s thigh, “You’re still so tense too, how is this even calming if you’re not calm.”

“You are distracting. How can I relax when you continue to make the mat under us move?” Spock questioned, opening his eyes, looking down at Jim who was looking up at him from the floor. He ignored the intense weight being produced in his chest when he looked at Jim’s too blue eyes. Jim couldn’t help stare back up at Spock’s deep brown before he finally sat up and looked away. He crossed his legs and rested his hands in his lap slouching as he glanced to Spock before shutting his eyes.

“Keep your back straight James, you will cause yourself to have pain in the future if you continue to prostrate like that,” Spock told him. Jim slowly straightened his back, his head falling backward and slowly rolled until it rested on his shoulder and he was looking at Spock again with a small toothy smirk. 

“I can see this will not happen today. You must relax somehow after the difficult physical lesson we had Jim,” Spock commented, they had practiced the art of Suus Mahna. Jim was very skilled in the martial art as well as many other physical forms of fighting. It was a form of aggression release that they prescribed to Jim, but it caused him to experience a burst of energy in which Spock would try to bring down through meditation. Sometimes this worked, other times, however, Jim was keen on keeping the energy bottled up and expelling in ways that would no doubt cause Spock some level of annoyance. 

“We could watch a holovid?” Jim suggested dropping his hands behind him and stretching his legs out smiling softly at Spock. He knew he had this nagging energy in him that could only be released through physical contact or a dangerous stunt. The former would not be rewarded to him via Spock, and the latter was impossible on Vulcan. 

“My mother could give you a haircut,” Spock suggested with a twitch of his lips. Jim’s hair was now shaggy over his ears and was beginning to produce small waves and curls in it the longer it got. Spock admired the freedom Jim’s hair seemed to have, the volume and movement even when Jim was still. But Jim would soon be in the presence of Vulcan’s that were not their immediate family or close friends and would have to cut it according to an exceptional length so that he would be presentable and welcome. Spock did take the moment he had to gently grip a piece that was out of place, tugging on the ringlet and watched it bounce into an angle that should be impossible to gravity. 

“Please, and have her give me that bowl on your head, I don’t think so,” Jim snorted and reached over to mess with Spock’s hair, only to have the other catch his hand and continue to hold onto it. Jim tried pulling it away, but Spock continued to hold onto it with minimal effort. Spock’s lips twitched more, his eyebrows raising and his ears turning green, feeling Jim’s emotions entering his mind. Jim had been trying to get Spock back for messing with his own hair but felt his heart rise in pace when Spock gripped him with a gentle but firm hand. 

“If we put prosthetic ears on you and gave you a haircut, no one would think you were human until they noticed you getting red,” Spock commented and dropped his hand. He held Jim’s hand long enough to feel the mirth that danced inside of him at the comment. Spock felt proud himself of how far Jim had come along in controlling himself and his emotions. Sometimes, Jim was far better than Spock at hiding how he really felt, and Spock began to notice this same facade in his own mother because they had the same bluffing faces. 

“I’m not that assimilated,” Jim snorted feeling redder than before. It hadn’t been his goal to succeed on Vulcan. He was sure no one expected him to do as well as he did, nor get along as well as he did with Spock. 

“Not at home, when we are in public, you behave more than my mother does, and you have become quite taken with Vulcan fashion, history, and the language,” Spock pointed out and Spock felt a sense of pride in this. Even as Jim was his thanai sa-kai he felt a much deeper connection to the human, and his pride exceeded to those depths. Watching Jim grow in the two years they had him in their home was an exciting part of Spock’s life and a time of growth for Spock himself. It provided a new sense of vitality and curiosity in Spock that he hadn’t felt before, so much so that not only had he applied to the Vulcan Science Academy, but he had also Starfleet which he said was a backup, but actually was a mode of curiosity and further education for Spock. 

All Jim could do at Spock’s admiration was shrug and tilt his head, looking away from Spock and to the totem, Spock had rested on his shrine for meditation. Jim often did this when avoiding further embarrassment brought on by compliments by family members. As much as he enjoyed it, he was still psychologically not used to it and physically adverse to it. The totem his gaze was fixated on was the scene he had seen two years ago in the restaurant attached to the Vulcan Embassy. It was the scene of Eden and the beginning of Vulcan. “Well, someone in this house has to be familiar with it if no one else is going to acknowledge anything pre-Surak,” Jim responded with a small tease finally looking to Spock with a truly happy smile. 

The blond leaned forward then and blew out the candles and incense, taking in the smells before leaning back and standing up, smoothing out the silk robes he wore. They were black, same as Spock’s, looser than anything else he had in his wardrobe and embroidered with diagonal lines of ancient prayer. It was something Jim had done to the garment himself, and he added more to it every day that his fingers itched for the pain of a needle pricking him. The lines got cleaner the closer he got to his neckline. Spock didn’t understand, but he had also never asked why Jim did the things he did usually. The explanations or actions never made sense to him when he did ask. Spock instead kept waiting to see the Jim that he had seen when he was fourteen and Jim was thirteen, but it never happened.   
“Indeed,” Spock finally replied, being pulled away from his thoughts as Jim gently touched his shoulder.

“Spock, T’Pring, and Stonn will be here soon to go to the market, you should get dressed. Unless you want T’Pring to see you in your PJ’s,” Jim laughed as he moved to leave.

Spock could not help the eye roll that escaped him, glad he was alone in his room because otherwise, people would question his sanity and his race. And Jim! If he had seen such an expression, the universe only knows what might have happened then, Spock was sure Jim might have exploded like a circuit that malfunctioned. He tried to distract his mind, removing the urges to emote by looking for an appropriate outfit choice. It was summer on Vulcan, temperatures were higher than normal, which allowed for skin to be revealed to prevent overheating. Spock dressed in a grey sleeveless vest, the shoulder pattern arched over his shoulder slightly, casting a shadow to protect his fair skin from the sun. There was a very short collar that stood up, dipping down to show his collarbone and some pectoral muscles. Spock did put on long pants and his regular shoes, knowing he would have to offset whatever Jim wore because Jim would be in far fewer clothes and would definitely be stared at.

 

The pair met at the door, Spock examining Jim’s similar vest but in beige (to reflect the heat from his body, whereas Spock still required some heat from the sun even at high temperatures) and wore shorts that were simple and black, slightly form fitting. He wore wraparound sandals in black as well, his feet showing, but Spock knew Jim would be excused from Vulcan modesty given his body had completely different physiology and the People of Vulcan would forgive him for his state of dress. Before one of them could open the door, there was a chime alerting them of T’Pring and Stonn’s presence. 

“Spock, we need to talk about those two eventually,” Jim said with pointed look. Spock looked at Jim’s face, seeing the emotions dance across the other’s eyes. He could see how angry and frustrated Jim was with this arrangement he and T’Pring were in, but Jim did not understand, and Spock would not try to make him, despite the mutual feelings he and Jim felt about the situation. 

Spock decided to ignore the comment like he usually did and opened the door stepping out to greet the pair. Jim watched as Spock and T’Pring stared at each other a long moment, wondering if they were speaking to each other or if they were dancing around the fact they would have to show some sort of affection for each other as a bonded pair. Eventually, they simultaneously raised two fingers to each other and pressed them together quickly before pulling away. Stonn had made sure his back was to the pair so he wouldn’t bear witness to something painful, Jim himself had looked away, uncomfortable with the affection their shared, no matter how brief it was. 

“I am surprised you have not taken James to the market before, Spock,” T’Pring began conversing as they walked away from the Ambassador’s home on Vulcan. 

“I haven’t really been allowed to be around other Vulcans until recently,” Jim replied for Spock, he didn’t enjoy being ignored or spoken about like he was not present.

“Father deemed Jim’s rehabilitation advanced enough that he could be in the public eye,” Spock clarified, and there would be moments soon that Jim would have to be in the public eye with the S'chn T'gai family. 

“I have indeed seen a difference. Will you be joining us in school James?” T’Pring asked. 

Jim sighed and looked away for a long moment, “As fun, as it would be to cause a stir at the academy, Spock’s life, is already hard, don’t need to add me to the mix,” Jim responded in kind, bumping his shoulder with Spock before walking ahead of them all. He would be joining them soon, but to any chance to fluster Spock he would take especially out in public and in front of T’Pring. 

“You would not be an additional burden I assure you, Jim,” Spock responded, his eyebrows twitching in annoyance. He often grew frustrated when Jim would be self-deprecating and using Spock as an excuse to depreciate himself. Spock knew Jim took it as embarrassment of his situation, but the reality of Spock’s thoughts would not permeate in Jim if Spock spoke them. 

“James might actually make friends, unlike you Spock. He’s very… interesting looking,” T’Pring replied glancing at Spock with knowing eyes. Even as Spock, Stonn, T’Pring, and Jim had grown as friends and each close to each other due to familial circumstance, Spock and Jim couldn’t ignore how Stonn and T’Pring admired Jim’s beauty. He was a rarity on the planet, a precious jewel with his curly blond hair and startling bright blue eyes, sun-kissed skin. 

Jim stopped for a second and turned around to start walking backward smiling largely at them, mostly to offend their eyes. “Are you calling me pretty? That is quite the compliment coming from you, T’Pring,” Jim flirted, laughing more when he saw her ears turn green. She always had her hair tucked behind her ears, showing off her brilliant facial structure that her long silky black hair only emphasized, but it often worked against her where Jim was concerned.

“I suppose to you that is how you can interpret it, yes,” She responded, glancing to Stonn who was also flushed but with jealousy, although unfounded as all three except Spock knew Jim had no eyes for anyone but Spock at the moment. 

Jim took the time to look at Spock, who in his own way, looked absolutely scandalized at the two flirting. Spock was certainly more flushed than his usual complexion, his hands had moved behind his back, and Jim knew he was biting his tongue from saying something. Jim needed to turn around to stop the flush that he felt was spreading across his cheeks and chest. He placed his hands into his pockets, chewing on the inside of his cheek nervously as he breathed in to control himself. The way he managed to fluster three Vulcans so quickly was a difficult power to master, especially when he felt enamoured with one of them and unable to express it except through the casual banter of friends or sa-kai. Jim turned his focus to memories to bring himself back to control, it was the new memories that brought Jim back to the ground. 

After the first night Jim and Spock slept together on Earth, they had been inseparable day and night. Spock seemed to take it upon himself to push Jim towards what Sarek was deeming as delinquent rehabilitation, but in reality was therapeutic rehabilitation. Spock made sure he was there for every waking nightmare, pulling him out quickly and without injury. He also dove head first into teaching Jim Suus Mahna as well as mediation to provide Jim several avenues for releasing negative energy. Amanda, on the other hand, participated in homeschooling Jim and made him work the garden with her This forced him to do heavy labor and would build him back up as a person from the destroyed child he had been made into by the traumas he had been exposed to before and at the beginning of his adolescence. 

Sarek focused him on the reality of his future, his many options, the good and the bad. Sarek provided Jim with what seemed to be three options; Starfleet (which Jim was hell bent on never being in), a life of debauchery, or the Vulcan Science Academy. The first, an obvious choice that everyone around him seemed to be pushing him towards, no matter what his own opinion was, except Sarek. He understood Jim’s reluctance, Tarsus IV had happened with Star Fleet officials in the mix, his father dying, his mother’s abandonment. Sarek had only presented it because it was a logical option, not necessarily the best option, and it had been the only option Sarek had provided originally when Jim arrived on Vulcan. The second was definitely a scare tactic on Sarek’s part. This option was added when Jim got into a fight when he snuck off the small compound and got caught by the authorities. 

The final one had been a strange option and certainly unexpected when Sarek suggested it, but Jim really liked the idea. Sarek had noticed how advanced Jim was when Sarek tried providing a proper Terrain education to Jim. Little did he know until he tested Jim, the young human had completed school on Tarsus IV. So Jim was placed in a homeschool curriculum that mimicked where Jim would be placed in a normal Vulcan Academy, a year below Spock and Sarek believed Jim was only behind because of the years he had off from school and being a delinquent. Jim was advancing quickly and they both knew he’d do well at the Vulcan Science Academy, but Jim would have to enter primary education with Spock in order to actually be considered. It gave Jim a lot to focus his energy on, much healthier for him than the old behaviors he had. 

All of his thanai skan played a part in his healing, it was doing wonders for him and he felt better every day because of it. Jim was beginning to see a future for himself and was able to push the past behind him. The blond pulled himself out of his head when he felt Spock’s hand touch his shoulder and smiled slightly at him, not enough for others really realize. Spock dropped his hand not a second later and walked forward with T’Pring. They were gathering ingredients because their families were having dinner with each other, a diplomatic meeting between Elder families that had political weight in Vulcan and the rest of the Galaxy. Jim was just along for the ride at this point, willing to grab anything that looked savory to him, or exciting. 

 

“Are you looking for anything in particular?” an old male Vulcan asked, he was wearing dark grey, loungewear. His hair was salt and pepper on the sides, his age was showing clearly through the small wrinkles at the sides of his eyes and between his eyebrows. It took decades for Vulcan’s to start showing their age, and where the man’s wrinkles were seemed to be suspicious to Jim, it was like the Vulcan did smile, and did it often. Jim couldn’t help his intrigue and paused at his cart to look at the imports he had.

“Ah, no… Nothing in particular,” Jim said as casually as he could keeping his hand in his pocket as the other wandered over the peculiar trinkets. 

“You’re a human adolescent correct? It must be difficult living on such a dry planet,” the Vulcan breathed as he stood and leaned towards Jim. The human felt his heart beginning to pound as he smelled the other, it was that familiar scent of alcohol, yes it was alien, but it was clear the other had been heavily drinking. Jim felt like this was something he had gone through before, someone he had met before, and a small part of him was telling him to move on, get back with the group he was with, but the larger part was far more curious to see what the Vulcan had to show him. 

“Rehabilitation is harder,” Jim replied. He knew the other was speaking about the lack of alcohol on the planet, the lack of Vulcan’s losing their control, not the heat or the desert that surrounded them. Jim offered a piece of himself to the vendor, gaining the trust of the other, and to see what the Vulcan would do. What kind of alien was he? Would he push Jim or would he let him live and continue the new path?

“Ah yes… I remember that Vulcan has become a “haven” for unproductive members of other societies,” he responded, a small smirk placing itself on his face. “Bet you miss the fun.” Jim didn’t reply, only watching the other with a straight face, “You really need it, they’re getting to you. Never seen a human look so Vulcan before,” he added.

“You think you can offer me fun?” Jim finally asked, giving the other a head tilt, arching his brows up slightly to look innocent. 

“I know I can.” 

Jim provided him a smirk and ran his fingers through his shaggy, wavy hair, allowing his face to be shown more, “What on this planet could possibly be fun? I already have a Vulcan I share a bed with,” Jim teased leaning towards him now with a small smile. And although that was technically true, Spock and Jim did little but sleep in their shared bed. 

The older Vulcan’s eyebrows jumped up and stayed in place as he leaned back. He chuckled and reached down into his pocket making sure that Jim’s eyes were watching. Jim had no doubt that the other could hear his heart beating in excitement over their exchange and what he would receive. Finally after a few long seconds, the other passed him a card, placing his hands under and over Jim’s, keeping their electricity flowing. Jim knew the other could feel his excitement, suspicion, worry, and anxiety, but he also knew that they were being overtly scandalous in the market. The Vulcan didn’t care, so Jim didn’t, he pulled his hand away after a few long moments, looking at the card placed in his hand. It had a location on it, a time, and how many credits were already placed on the card. 

“Enjoy your time.”

“Will I see you?”

“Unfortunately, I must leave before I am found out, you bring a lot more attention than you think, I am giving you my place,” He told Jim before sitting back down, pulling a scarf around his head and shoulders to hide his face. Jim was about to speak again when he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder, and Jim immediately placed the card into his pocket. He took a deep breath in to calm himself so Spock wouldn’t question him too deeply. Jim finally looked up at the other and gave him a small smile with his eyes and nodded. 

“You became distracted, we thought you had been kidnapped,” Spock replied steering Jim away from the vendor. 

“There are some cool trinkets at that vendor… I thought I could find you something for your room,” Jim said tilting his head as he looked up at the other as they walked. Spock’s hand had moved down to his lower back to continue to keep him focused.

“As thoughtful as that is James, we are here for a purpose, not just to allow you to move through the public and reintroduce you to society,” Spock chastised keeping his hand firm on Jim’s lower back to continue to taste his emotions. 

“Right, well… You don’t need to take care of me… I know how to “move through society” as it were. So stop acting like Sa-Mekh,” Jim said with a quiet snort but didn’t remove himself from Spock’s touch. Jim could practically feel the eyebrow raise his outburst and snort got him from the Vulcan, but something about the man he had just met made him lose all that had him perfectly aligned for Vulcans. 

“I will take that as a compliment and not as the insult you intended,” Spock responded, trying to keep his calm against Jim’s now overwhelming and convoluting emotions. 

“There is a word for people that aren’t parents that liked to be called that on Earth,” Jim noted and moved away from Spock once they reached T’Pring and Stonn. Jim inserted himself between them so that Spock couldn’t get next to Jim again to feel his emotions or scold him for another thing that Spock didn’t especially approve of. T’Pring turned her head, her slick black hair falling off her shoulder as she glanced at Spock scolding him through their bond.


	3. The Crypt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Rape/molestation mention. There is descriptions of assault in various forms in this chapter, be aware.

Chapter 3:

Jim and Spock were left to clean after the diplomatic dinner between Spock and T'Pring family. The dinner consisted of their families discussing the two young Vulcan’s future with each other. The table contained an air of uncomfortability. T’Pring and Spock were told they would go to the Vulcan Science Academy together, marry before Spock’s time, and consecrate their bond during that time. T’Pring’s family was fully aware of her affair with Stonn, who no longer had a bondmate due to her early death in his adolescence, and thought she would have an awareness to end it for the benefit of her family’s political rise via the bond (though Jim and Spock doubted she would, even if they were close friends, the politics did not affect the reality that their minds were not compatible). Her family, however, was not aware of Spock’s thoughtfulness to apply to not just the Vulcan Science Academy, but also Starfleet, nor were they aware of the fact that Spock desired someone else entirely and had no thought to betray that attraction.

Jim was uncomfortable for a myriad of reasons, the most obvious being the eyes that would rest upon him (and Amanda) that were oh so disapproving of his presence and any minor emoting he did. His own contemplative thoughts about Spock as well as the relationship and future that was being forced upon the young Vulcans and planned out without real deep thought, also caused quite a negative stir in James. It seemed that everyone was aware as to why everyone else was uncomfortable except for T’Pring’s family, and though it was clear their eyes and words searched for the reason they could not find it. Even Sarek tried an attempt to keep the mood as even as possible given the topics being as uncomfortable as they were for the young adults in the room. Sarek disapproved of Spock and T'Pring’s unwillingness for deepening their bond, and at every attempt Sarek tried to ignore that his two sons were too close to each other for the future he had planned out for Spock to follow through with. The night could have only been described as uncomfortable and it left Jim and Spock cleaning in silence in the end so their parents could deliberate the evening with each other no doubt.

Spock had been placed in charge of making sure the leftover food was sorted in appropriate containers so that it would save just in case Jim needed more food in the middle of the night as he was prone to do during stressful evenings such as these. It was one of the behaviors he didn’t understand about Jim, eating in the middle of the night, it was fascinating, but Spock in his younger years had seen his own mother participate as well and led himself to the logical conclusion that it was purely a human act. Jim on the other hand was making sure to clean the plates thoroughly keeping in mind Spock’s sensitive fingers might not want to hand ash the cutlery. Jim also his needed to lose himself in his mind, the evening had been difficult, and although he felt ready to have healthy interactions with other individuals, he didn’t think Vulcans would be the best place to begin. 

Jim hadn’t expected Spock coming up behind him, hands gently slipping across Jim’s exposed arms and into the water. The dishes in Jim’s hands clattered to the bottom of the sink due to Jim’s surprise at Spock’s blunt curiosity to see what emotions and thoughts were at the surface of Jim’s mind. This intrusion had caused him to drop the dish he was cleaning,wincing as it clattered to the bottom of the sink. “What are you doing?” Jim whispered harshly as he felt the Vulcan’s hot breath on his neck. He felt suffocated and trapped with their positioning, these emotions were like when he first arrived on Vulcan, the gravity and heat of the planet overwhelming and heavy and sharp.

“It is clear what I am doing,” Spock replied, his lip twitching against Jim’s ear. Jim’s height had not yet quite caught up to Spock’s, he was seventeen and still waiting for the final growth spurt to hit, but he often thought maybe the pressure of Vulcan was preventing it (although if he expressed this to Spock, the other would comment on how illogical it was). 

“Spock,” Jim replied softly turning, his hands slipping between the two thick linen robes that draped around Spock, forgetting his hands were wet. He felt too distant, his mind was too chaotic to participate with Spock in whatever they were doing and not talking about.

“Jim,” Spock responded, his tone deepening, his head dropping down to look at Jim. It was clear Spock was concerned for Jim, as he always was, but there was something else lingering that Jim wasn’t catching onto.

“Spock… We’re… Your parents…” He breathed weakly turning his head away from Spock, trying to escape his warm breath. His blue eyes took a chance looking up at him scared of getting caught, getting removed from the family, going back to Earth with no prospects or sense of family or friendship, and scared Spock would be taken away from him faster than what was already planned for Spock and T’Pring’s official bonding ceremony. Jim gently pushed Spock away from him and turned back to the dishes trying to finish them up, it was his attempt at hiding his shaking hands, body, and mind. His body was hot from the heated scare Spock gave him, if the heat wasn’t already causing him to sweat, feeling Spock’s hot gaze was enough. Spock watched before decidedly leaving Jim, he clasped his hands behind his back and tightened his posture before turning on his heel to leave and deal with the rancid emotions of rejection that he no doubtedly felt at Jim’s unwillingness to confide in him.

“I shall meditate upon this,” Spock declared to Jim officially, he would need to understand why he himself was frustrated with Jim. Jim often didn’t want to share his thoughts, and statistically, Jim usually ended up sharing the origins of his emotions later on, but Spock was feeling unsettled and needed meditation.

All Jim could do was huff and rub his face after drying his hands off, “Look, I just meant… We could…” He started, but when he turned and saw Spock was already walking away he released an anxious breath out. Jim sighed and shuffled his robes around finding what he felt he needed before leaning back against the counter with the card in his hand that he had been handed earlier that day. He stared at the details more closely, taking a deep breath in before finally giving a definitive nod to himself. He would go to see what the man at the Market had suggested to him, he resolved to only go see what it was and keep his sobriety. He wasn’t planning on wasting all of his and his new family’s hard work. 

 

Jim was quiet as he walked out of the compound, pulling his hood up to hide his round ears, hands clasped behind his back as he breathed calmly in the warm night air. He was not surprised to see the roads empty of people, but highly appreciated the lanterns that lit the roads. It allowed for the stars above to still be seen, prevented unnecessary pollution and for one to see their way. He made his way towards the town center where restaurants, stores, and the morning market was located. Jim made his way down an alleyway and tightened his robes as he knocked on the door as directed and flashed the card to the Vulcan that opened the door. The card was scanned and he was allowed in, trying his best to ignore the long stare he received from the Vulcan. 

He breathed in a musky scent that was familiar of the underground bars he had been to. He moved down the stairs of the dimly lit hallway, pushed aside the heavy curtains as he made it to the entrance. Jim’s eyes widened and took a breath in surprise. It was filled with Vulcans and many other species of humanoid and vulcanoid alike (and of course other intelligent life that fell into their own special categories), a bar sat in the middle of the long room, a stage with instruments being played (it was Vulcan and it was awful to listen to, but who was he to dislike something when this place existed), and tables scattered about with lanterns on each round table. The dark forest green walls had some sort of pattern to them that Jim wanted to run his fingers through, but he was not interested in being found out for his need to emote and be tactile. Of course Blond hair blue eyed Vulcan’s were hardly heard of, but they did exist in other regions of Vulcan, and he was practicing his best Vulcan to keep himself as low key as possible. 

Jim took the plunge and walked forward towards the bar, he gently and smoothly placed himself on the bar stool (having a lot a practice with the robes he wore and the bar stools in Sarek’s home). He gently picked up the menu and looked it over with what he was hoping as an air of coolness and belonging (not like a seventeen year old delinquent human). The soft leather on the back of the menu was pleasing to his need to be tactile and his blue eyes raked over the menu. It was a menu of alcohol, which (as far as Jim knew) did not exist on Vulcan, nor did he think Vulcans were affected. There were many drinks he recognized (of course written in Standard and Vulcan) and some he was confused about (the hot chocolate import to be precise), but he had said to himself that he would remain sober so he rested on the Hot Chocolate despite the small amount of perspiration he had because of the heat of the planet. He set his menu down and the bartender moved their way over, a female Vulcan, dark hair braided on one side so the rest fell over her right shoulder, and her dark skin was enhanced by the lighting of the room. 

“Ish-veh zek?” (Your order?) She questioned Jim, her voice high but smooth as any other Vulcan. 

Jim couldn’t stop the flush that showed itself across his cheeks and his nose, but tried his best to keep his composure and control otherwise like Spock and Sarek had tried to work into him. “Fal chocolate,” (Hot Chocolate) He responded setting the card out that he had been given for the Vulcan. She took it once his hand was removed and walked away. He kept his hands folded in his lap, looking down at the menu, before he glanced around from his place at the bar. The young blond only let his eyes wander the establishment, noticing a hallway that led to other rooms, and Vulcan’s drinking various forms of chocolate drink. That was curious, he would have to do some experiments at home if he didn’t have a chance while he was in the bar. 

The hot chocolate was set in front of him as well as his card and she turned away to assist other customers that wished to have her attention. He tucked his card away   
and waited until the Hot Chocolate had cooled enough before he took a sip. Jim enjoyed the atmosphere and waited for trouble to find him as it always did, although the Vulcan that sat next to him was certainly far from trouble, and handsome at that. The young human kept to himself despite his curiosity for the too close Vulcan, he continued to sip and refrain from any emotive or tactile gestures. 

“Na'shau tor wuh Brag,” (Welcome to the Crypt/Brag) the Vulcan spoke looking to Jim, directly addressing him, as if he knew Jim wasn’t Vulcan. 

“Rai inquirey t' wuh ahm t' wuh shi,” (I had not inquired the name of this place) Jim replied in kind giving him the signature S'chn T'gai one eyebrow raise. 

“You are an Earthling,” The Vulcan pointed out, switching to standard. Jim noticed a small twitch on the corner of the other’s mouth moving upwards, his eyebrow darting up as well. 

“Don’t tell anyone,” Jim replied in kind, keeping his own face from emoting other than his eyebrow lowering and his mouth twitching upwards.

“You are… Quite good at… Pretending to be a Vulcan. I had almost believed you. I am Saav.”

“So I have heard. I am James,” Jim replied in kind looking at the other more curiously. He examined the other closely looking at his angular structure, the fine point of his ear and curved more than the S'chn T'gai family, it was almost hooklike. The Vulcan’s nose was smaller and more finely pointed, his hair as dark as Spock’s with no sheen and a wavy texture but cut in the same style as Spock’s. His skin was clean, tanner than than he had seen in the area, not including the Vulcan bartender, and his eyes were a light blue. 

“Do I satisfy your desires?” Saav asked.

Jim couldn’t help but freeze at the comment and flushed deeply, “I apologize if I was staring too long. You are far different than I have seen the years I have lived here,” Jim replied looking away and drinking his Hot Chocolate.

“I do not mind. I feel the same towards you. It is rare to find your physical traits on Vulcan, or even in an Earthling as Earthlings are extremely homogenized by now,” He replied.

“Vulcans are well on their way to homogenization. Humans still have pockets of genetic variations, however, but not as extreme as Vulcans, I agree,” Jim added. 

“You do know the effect chocolate has on Vulcans correct? Is that why you chose that particular drink?” Saav asked, changing their topic, as homogeneity was a   
complex and political issue for many species. 

“No, I as curious actually, I noticed variations on the menu,” Jim hummed sipping his drink, “I chose this to keep my sobriety.” 

“It is similar to alcohol or an dopamine inducing drug to Vulcans, which is why its import is frowned upon, and even banned in some areas of Vulcan to continue to keep us logical and calm.” 

“Interesting,” Jim breathed looking into his drink. He wondered if he should go home, Saav was interesting, he emoted as often as Spock did, but he was consuming chocolate, so that may have been the difference. 

“How long have you been on Vulcan, you do not seem like you have ever stepped foot on Earth,” Saav asked bluntly. 

“Thank you, I am sure Serak would feel very complimented,” Jim said, “That is, if Vulcan’s could accept compliments.”

Saav’s eyes widened slightly, eyebrows raising as he looked Jim over, “You are the new ward of Sarek?” 

Jim sighed and tugged his hood down really exposing his messy wavy blond hair and round ears. “James T. Kirk, ward of S’Chn T’Gai family, taking a moment to myself to experience life for a brief moment before signing myself away to science on Vulcan,” Jim spoke officially leaning back in his seat, giving in to his emoting. It felt relaxing being found out and the other wanting to see him as he was. The Vulcan turned his body towards Jim, his hand moving across the bar to gently touch Jim’s wrist, testing his emotions. Jim couldn’t help that he pulled himself away immediately, like he had seen Spock do to him often in public and private. Jim knew his own emotions were very private, and he didn’t know Saav, he wasn’t sure if the other was protecting himself from Jim’s projections or not. 

It was clear by the glance away from Jim that Saav took slight offense to the recoil, but he was Vulcan and it made no sense to push Jim when they both knew Saav’s actions were impolite and unwarranted. They both took deep drinks from their beverages, Saav’s eyes darkening as the chocolate took effect on his system, and Jim humming quietly at the taste of the deep dark chocolate. Saav took one last look at Jim, dark, hazey eyes looking his body over and resting on Jim’s blue eyes that were staring back in curiosity. The older Vulcan finally took his stand and walked away from Jim his movements less precise, but no less fluid and determined. Jim turned his eyes back to the chocolate, ignoring the Vulcan he had just met, and the meeting he was clearly late to because of his infatuation with Jim.

 

Two hot Chocolate’s in and Jim hadn’t found anything more interesting than his encounter with the older Vulcan called Saav. He finished his second drink and placed his hood above his head standing to leave. Before he could bid the bartender a ‘Peace and Long Life’ he felt a gentle hand on his lower back and other, thicker one, on his shoulder. He glanced and saw a small group of four Vulcans, young and probably Spock’s age, looking at him in what Jim deemed as admiration. The third pulled Jim’s hood down gently and the fourth was clearly more intoxicated than the rest because he couldn’t help but touch Jim’s hair in pure curiosity. 

“We would like to have a cultural exchange with a human such as yourself,” the one touching his hair said, hand grazing down his cheek. This one had hazel eyes on the darker side due to the low lighting, a lot more baby fat left in his cheeks as well as hair that was longer than the acceptable length for most high class Vulcan males. 

“A human such as yourself, well known to us Vulcans… A ward of Sarek,” the third, a short lithe female with hair tied in an intricate braided bun with light brown hair, spoke quickly and quietly not to alert anyone else, in what Jim had named in his mind a speakeasy, that someone of high class and importance was being surrounded by young Vulcan’s with no experience in how to really seduce a human. 

Before the other two could speak Jim turned around feeling flushed from head to toe. “A cultural exchange,” Jim replied promptly, “Would be a mutually beneficial endeavor for both of our peoples,” Jim continued, keeping his poker face (Vulcan face) on. He glanced to the taller male who looked like a textbook Vulcan, no almond eyes like Spock, sharp eyebrows and other features that hardly moved. And like Saav, Jim was having a hard time pulling himself away from the other so he could look at the others present, he was also so unlike Saav, wholly not unique and very clearly a force to be reckoned with (and Jim definitely was interested in pushing the boundaries of that force). The other female was the same height as Jim, her body curvaceous and hair long and flowing, a slight wave to the dark brown hair she had perfectly placed behind her shoulders. 

“We have a private meeting room that may be used for this scientific and xenopological investigation,” the curvy Vulcan breathed into his ear, her delicate hand gripping his shoulder firmly. 

“Well, I see no reason to delay our lesson,” Jim said following the two shorter Vulcans with more grace than they themselves could participate in due to their own intoxication and Jim’s lack of it. 

They moved through the floor of the bar, trying to ignore the stares of the outworlders and Vulcans that all had knowing looks when they scanned their young group. The hall way they moved into was dimmer, only lit by a lanturn every few meters (which he had no doubts the Vulcan’s with him knew the exact meterage of those lanterns, or did they? They were intoxicated after all). The hall was a red wallpaper that looked inspired by real Ancient Colonized North America in 1910 when wallpaper was beginning to be at the height of United State’s architecture. Jim was too distracted by the cultural references in the underground Vulcan bar to know which room he had been ushered into. The room, unlike the rest of the decor that was a real mish mosh of cultures, was very Vulcan. The walls were a deep maroon, the floor a grey carpet with a thick rug taking up most of the space. The rug was a design Jim had seen time and time again, the Adam and Eve of Vulcan, or as he now knew them, Sha Ka Ree. He sat himself against the large pillows against the wall, touching the table with curiosity to see what the material was, and it certainly felt like wood, but it had to have been a really good replica. 

“Your robes must be burdening you,” Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome said, Jim really needed to figure out their names, “do you require assistance removing them?”  
Jim looked up at him his mouth open in a little “o” shape. It remind him of when he and Spock tried to explore each other for the first time, only for T’Pring to interrupt during their shared bond because she did not wish to experience Spock’s experience with Jim. Vulcan’s were really good at flirting, at least to Jim, he was surprised how well he enjoyed the bluntness of their seduction. “I wouldn’t be adverse to assistance, however, you all must be burdened as well and it would be beneficial, for cultural exchange of course, if we all placed ourselves at the same state of mind and dress. So please tell me your names,” Jim replied, really not keen on being the only one exposed in this room. The others slowly sat around Jim and Tall-Dark and Handsome was kneeled in front of him, hands gently fingering his layers of robes, probably calculating how long it would take to get each piece off of Jim until he could really study his biology. 

“Stret,” Tall-Dark and Handsome introduced in his deep baritone, Jim feeling his voice vibrating his own body deep into his core. 

“Spenn,” the baby faced Vulcan shared, his hands gently feeling Jim’s curled and soft hair, his hands lingering above Jim’s ears as if deciding whether or not he would allow himself to touch such different physiology. 

“I am T’pral,” the female that was Jim’s height and, according to Jim, the least intoxicated with how tight she still was as she sat next to Stret gently working Jim’s boots off. 

“Ita,” the Vulcan woman of Jim’s dreams breathed into his ear, her hand sneaking along the side of his face, touching particular pressure points that should alert Jim, but he was so overwhelmed by the sensations from everyone that he really couldn’t focus. She spoke words he couldn’t hear, and it was in the moment of Stret getting his hands over Jim’s shoulders, T’Pral managing to get Jim bare footed, and Spenn’s mouth on his ears, that Jim felt himself go into his mind and the real world was a dull presence to what Ita was exploring in his mind. 

“I did not say you could meld,” Jim spoke, but didn’t speak, and it wasn’t in Standard but certainly not in Vulcan. 

“Your body gave me permission, you have not yet pushed me, I want to see James. I want to… Feel human carnal desire.”

“Ita… I cannot show you what I have not experienced.” 

“I see it here. This man… Kodos…” 

“Please Ita… I do not want to experience that… Please…”

 

Jim only feels hot and cold, he can’t feel anything else, not when Kodos is forcing himself on Jim. Not when Jim must do this for the sake of everyone else he cares about. He must do this to survive. He feels sick certainly. He feels used. He feels too much. Heavy, hot hands gripping his body like it was owned, and in a way it was. This was the only way to get a lot of food fast. The guards were only given their allotted portions, but Kodos, he had it all. And if that meant letting the man inside of his body, invading him and torturing him with words, then so be it. Jim feels nothing and everything as hands explore his depths, making him open himself for the other, making him spread and experience a body full of hate and pain. Jim should feel warm, but he only feels cold, he only sees red. He feels anger at himself, at Kodos, at Starfleet and the Federation and his Mother. But mostly he feels overall rage and is glad he packed a knife with him because the moment he pulls it out when Kodos pushes in, is the greatest feeling Jim has ever felt. Jim glances over his shoulder at the grown man, touching his small starving body and grips the knife tightly…

 

Jim rips his head away from Ita, both of them panting, Jim from the sheer pain and rage he feels for his past experience and being forced to relive it so quickly, so convoluted and with someone else watching. Ita is panting and tugging her robes off to only leave herself in a a small silk grey dress that she wore under all her overbearing robes. Vulcan’s can’t sweat but Jim thinks she must be extremely close to sweating with how heavy of breaths she has. 

“That was not what I had expected,” She told the others a deep set frown on her otherwise plump and clear face. 

Jim is about to speak to her when he suddenly falls back against the pillows again, his head dizzy and body continuing to be over stimulated. Jim knows he is missing a couple robes now, Stret has made quick work with his clothes. He attempts again to talk, but his mouth feels slack like he’s drunk, and he feels it, heavy and clumsy. Jim feels everything he worked hard to not be. 

“What did you experience that gave him such displeasure and anger? Did he not have a pleasurable experience? Maybe you found the wrong one Ita,” Spenn spoke quickly, his lips had traveled to Jim’s neck. In what felt like and instant and also decades Jim had been more exposed by these Vulcans in such a short amount of time than anyone had before. The human moved to sit up again, to try and get out, to try and remember any of the martial arts Spock taught him, but his mind was in a drunken haze, and Spenn clumsily made his way into Jim’s dazed mind.

 

It was amazement, Jim felt. Spenn’s admiration for Jim’s mind was overwhelming. He didn’t understand why or how a Vulcan could find a mind as chaotic as Jim’s so fascinating, but here he was full of admiration and curiosity. Jim didn’t want Spenn to find what Ita had found, nor did he want him to find the experiences he and Spock had, so Jim showed him what he could quickly. They were all looking for what Jim would in the future describe as porn, and Jim was their gateway. They had made far too many assumptions about humans, about Jim in particular. He felt Spenn dive, and Jim dove with him showing him Jim at fifteen, behind his barn with a girl Jim didn’t remember (or didn’t care to remember) and her quick work on his body. It was enough for Spenn and he removed himself from Jim’s mind quickly after. 

 

It took much longer for Jim to come back from that assault on his mind. He felt he lost ability to move his body, his mind was slow and his mouth slower. Spenn had began working his own robes off now his own breath heavy. Jim didn’t understand what about second hand memories, that were warped and distorted with other emotions, was so exciting. He could feel Ita and Spen’s hands on his own, their fingers roaming all over Jim’s, he was mindful enough to know what they were doing, to feel it and take some semblance of pleasure from it. Stret cupped Jim’s face, Jim whimpered and leaned into the touch before trying to pull away. His eyebrows were drawn together tightly, his frown prominent and his heart racing from stress and his mind’s only ability to hold back memories he didn't want anyone to see. 

“James… May I enter your mind?” Stret asked moving between Jim’s legs, pushing them up the closer he moved, Jim sliding down so Stret was all he could see, his hands gone. He briefly wondered where T’Pral went until he felt his head in her lap. She looked down on him holding his shoulders down, her bangs showing the thin short and sharp brows that were raised in curiosity and satisfaction from the emotional transference she was receiving from Jim’s positive reaction to Stret. 

“Stret…” Jim breathed turning his head away.

“I must have an answer James… We have very little time and much we want to experience with you. We know you have much to show us,” Stret continued deeply, his hands moving from Jim’s face as T’Pral dove into his mind. Jim felt her shallowly in his head, she was there to have a deeper experience as Stret’s hands moved up Jim’s linen shirt, testing his hot skin against cold Vulcan hands. Jim arched under his hands from the chill, and the simulations he was receiving. 

“Please… I wanna go…” Jim begged softly. He hadn’t realized what he had done to himself. He hadn’t thought this was what might happen when he agreed (or maybe he did and he was trying to ignore his gut like he did his whole life). 

“Not possible. You are ours now James,” Ita whispered exploring her body with Jim’s hand. He felt intoxicated and overwhelmed buy his own emotions. He wondered how Vulcans, who were so deeply emotional, could just as easily ignore such strong negative emotions Jim thought he had to have been giving off. It felt like hours as his mind and body was taken from him over and over before he had a reprieve. He woke to Saav breaking into the room with the authorities he had been apparently meeting with earlier. Jim would have to contemplate this later, right now he was just trying to form words or move his body effectively. 

“James, I apologize for not arriving sooner. I will deliver you home to Sarek. First, I must help you with your robes. It is clear you cannot speak, but a gesture or emotional transference would be amenable as consent,” Saav spoke in a low and calm voice. Jim gave a small nod of his head, managing enough as he allowed his mind to reel again and pull him away from reality. He came in and out of consciousness in Saav’s arms as he carried Jim through the streets of Vulcan in the middle of the night. It was some considerable time before Jim felt the cool temperatures of a temperature controlled home. He opened his eyes as he was set on the couch in his home. The young man looked up, his vision and body disoriented, to see Saav, Sarek, and Spock all looking at him with a mixture of concern and disappointment. 

 

“I must take my leave,” Saav spoke firmly, looking over Jim before leaving the compound quickly. 

“It is amendable that Jim was brought back by Saav, or at all,” Spock commented. 

“As your mother would say… he is lucky. The locality he was found at is a place known for trafficking,” Sarek replied, “I will leave Jim to you and inform Amanda of his condition. He will need to be taken to seen many specialists tomorrow to ensure he had not been exposed to anything detrimental to his health,” Sarek continued matter of factly. He had to return to Amanda to provide her with confort surrounding Jim’s absence and his condition. He nodded to his son and his ward before leaving them and returning to his and Amanda’s quarters. 

Spock knelt in front of Jim looking up at him since Jim’s head had fallen during Spock and their Sa’mek’s conversion. He gently touched Jim’s knee trying to get his hazy eyes focused again, it worked, but Jim recoiled from his touch and groaned softly. “I apologize Jim, are you hurt there? Should I tend to your wounds?” Spock asked, voice even, but eyes reflecting concern when their eyes finally did meet. 

“‘M fine,” Jim slurred. 

“Are you intoxicated? You have been sober for over two years Jim,” Spock chastised. 

“No… They did stuff… it… makes me… feel… say…”Jim huffed out in frustration and slipped off the couch, falling to his knees between Spock’s leg’s and rested his head on the older man’s chest. 

“James, you need rest. I do not know what they did to you, but I can imagine it did take a toll on your mental and physical well-being,” Spock commented.   
Jim nodded and used Jim as a support to stand himself up, his legs shaking just as much as his mental state was, “I’ll sleep in my room… for once…”

“Do you think that is a logically sound course of action.”

Jim bit his tongue hard, there were many things he wanted to say to the other, many things he needed to say and shout. He felt heat filling his body, it was familiar, it was also something his body hadn’t experienced since his arrival to Vulcan. He pulled his hands away from Spock so he wouldn’t feel the pure rage that filled him. He would have to deal with this eventually. His anger wasn’t directed at Spock, it was always directed at himself, everything was his own fault, he got himself into bad situations due to his own faults, and he couldn’t blame Spock who had only ever looked after him. He moved as quickly as his shaky legs would take him so he could lock himself in his private room (one that he only went into to change his clothing, he had Spock found it more beneficial for both of them to share sleeping arrangements since the first night).

Jim shakily pressed in his privacy code that only Sarek and Amanda knew, shakily removed his clothes and collapsed into his too cold and at the same time too warm bed. He curled in on himself, hands fisting his hair and never letting go. His night was tossing and turning as well as waking nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pleas leave comments! I love to talk to my readers. Sorry this is so late, i had a death in my familly that I had to take care of. <3

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing again, hopfully this makes sense/goes somewhere lol  
> (unedited)


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